A Retrospection – Day 22 GloPoWriMo

Photo by Jeswin Thomas from Pexels
I am searching for myself
I feel so lonely
Somehow I just can't relate on a deeper level with the people around me
I feel different, strange
I can't even comprehend it
Am I having an existential crisis?
I don't even have the words to say it.
I do have friends
Some so-called friends
We gossip and talk about superficial things
Things I won't remember 5 years from now
People I won't think about 10 years from now
Would I even exist 10 years from now?

I am desperately searching for myself
Even in movies, books, and music
As if I'll find some pieces here and there
That would complete the whole jigsaw puzzle called me
I have movie marathons alone by myself
Movies I download from piratebay and utorrent
Sites that would be replaced by Netflix and Prime in the years to come
I watch anything with an IMDB rating over 5
I don't know how else to spend my time
I watch the Matrix Trilogy in one day
Only to forget the message the next day
And the story in a couple of months

I am a consistent 7th ranker
So I am fine
But since when do textbooks help you to find yourself?
So I turn to my school library
Amidst Ruskin Bond's Doon valleys I find peace
And in Enid Blyton's mysteries, I find adventure and friendships
I do read the occasional You Can Win, The Alchemist, and Wings of Fire
They do inspire me momentarily
But for what?
I don't know what I am supposed to do in life
I can't even imagine my future

I turn to music
Music to numb what I can't explain
Music to the rescue
Bang my head to Nickleback screaming
'I'll cut my hair and change my name'
Relate with loneliness with Westlife's
'Loneliness knows me by name'
Walk alone with Green Day
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Hoping to wake up when September ends
Because maybe
Just maybe things would be alright by then

So I carry on day after day
Feeling lonely, feeling lost
Searching for the missing pieces
Searching for the real me
Hopeful that one day the pieces would fit
Hopeful that one day the puzzle would be complete

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