Conversation with my 21-year-old self

Today I turned 26 and got a letter from my 21-year-old self in the email.

Dear Future Me,
If you are reading this, then you must be 26 years old today. So Happy Birthday, Dude from your 21-year-old self. I am writing this today because Jake Edwards made a video of his letters from his 13 & 15 year old self.
I know if there’d be one thing that you would like to say to me then that would be to just hang on. And I promise you that I am hanging on through it all.
So just a revision of some important dates for you.
We found out that we are a trans guy when we were 18, accepted it at 19 for ourselves. Then came out to friends and got into a relationship with my best friend in Feb 2016.
As of now I am out to everyone at home except our eldest brother. Everyone’s supportive except mom. I started Uni this year, and I am having a really bad time introducing myself to new people. I hate to utter or hear my old name.
I hope you don’t have to deal with much these days. I am pretty sure that you found a way to earn money because right now I feel like I can’t do anything. And I know that you have at least gotten on T and got your name and gender changed and you must be getting your chest surgery now.
I am proud of you for being yourself and just going through it all. Also you should be more grateful for so many accepting people in your life.
Now about gossips. So our first real relationship ended in September 2017. I am still dealing with her absence in my daily life. But what about you? Still single or do you already have another gf and do I know her? Oh sorry man, you might be pansexual, so whatever, got a new partner? How many school and college friends are you still close with? Do you still go back to college and meet our teachers, are you out to them?
I hope you are a tad bit famous poet now. Are you? Anyway keep writing, don’t you ever stop writing poems and songs.
I know it’s hardly been 5 years, but where do you live now?
And lastly, you might have forgotten me (shortest memory span ever!), so I’ll just click a selfie with this letter now and you should try to find it.
I wish you an amazing year ahead and keep being your real self!!

P.S. Hope you are having a good day, I am just here to remind you of all the things I really like right now and all the things I want to do but never do them.
Ed Sheeran
At night alone- Mike Posner
Lost Boy- Ruth B
American Beauty/American Psycho- Fall out Boys
In the end- Linkin Park (All time fav)
Blurryface- 21 pilots
Lukas Graham
Sam Smith
True- Avicii
Some more that I can’t remember at the moment. Just log in to your Gaana profile.
At the moment I am listening to Game of Thrones instrumental songs.
If you haven’t had Lays cheese and onion in a while then go and get it. It would bring back a lot of memories.
I am trying to watch the whole of The Big Bang Theory now, am on season 3.
I hope you have read a lot in these 5 years. Camus and Dostoevsky, and a lot more. Keep reading.
And I challenge you write a song or poem about getting this letter from me.
Goodbye for now!

Dear Past Me,
It’s a delight to get a letter from you. Thank you for the birthday wish.

Thanks for holding on through the dark bits. I hardly remember those now. Only you knew what you went through. Honestly, I only remember everything that went right. Count the blessings, forget the rest!

Looking back, college feels like it was the best time of life, even though there were bouts of dysphoria. Uni was fine too. Now that you mention it, yeah the name thing was such a pain but your ability to find humour in the situation about giving the exams for some other person, like in the Munnabhai movie, made it all bearable. Thank you!

Feels like at least some things in life are going exactly as planned. Started HRT last year. Got a nice beard and deep voice now. And, yes also got my name and gender legally changed on docs. Got a new bank account in the new name too. And planning for the surgery now.

You won’t believe that I work in a publishing house now. Being in the books business seemed like the right thing to do a couple of years ago. So I went ahead into it: trying to become an editor. But as of right now, I seem to have lost my aim. Again going through a phase of not being sure of what to do in life. Hopefully, I’ll figure it out again. Maybe it’s a recurring thing: You find something to do, then get bored with it, then find something else. Who knows!

I am proud of you too. You stood by your truth, and everything else fell into place. Some people stay in the shadow of their truth too long, afraid of the consequences. Sometimes, truth exacts a heavy toll. And I understand that. We were/are blessed, the consequences weren’t harsh. I am grateful, ever so grateful for all the love and acceptance in my life.

On to the gossip!
Still single, bro. Still dealing with her absence. The only difference is that it doesn’t hurt that much anymore. Ah, the ever so philosophical question of friendships. Somedays, there’s not even one friend to talk to. And some days, life is blissful with friends’ love. Anyway, I am hardly in touch with friends from school. Somehow I just gave up on them, didn’t think they’d be accepting. And just like that, we all grew in different ideological directions. And how many friends a man even needs? I’ve got my college folks (RB & AT) and uni squad. The close dear ones. Few people who feel like family. And since uni, it’s just been really hard making and sustaining any meaningful connections. But there’s hope.

Hate to disappoint you but since the muse left, the words don’t come easily. And the ever-present distractions don’t make it easy either. But I’ll try. This might just be the first step.

The old home is gone. We live in Gurgaon now. How distant this place used to seem at that time! Apartment life is fine, just sans the pleasures of the terrace and catching both sunrise and sunset.

Thanks for sharing those songs and albums. Even though I still listen to most of them, I had forgotten a couple. Had a blast listening to Fall Out Boys today and listened to At Night, Alone while writing this.

Currently reading Paper Moon by Rehana Munir.

Goodbye Past Me!



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